I can’t believe I am writing this blog post. We are having our second baby! It feels so surreal even typing it but we are over the moon to be growing our little family.
I know that those of you who followed our rollercoaster of a journey to become pregnant with Alfie must have a lot of questions. I had treatment for recurrent miscarriages to help my body (you can read all about that here) and I was very anxious about going through all of that again. The treatment was expensive and we had long discussions wondering whether it was the right thing to do. In the end, we decided that we would try without the treatment to see if my body had possibly “learnt” how to sustain a pregnancy having done it not so long ago.
To our surprise and delight, we became pregnant very quickly and we actually found out the night before Alfie’s first birthday. A bit of a whirlwind of emotions celebrating one baby’s birthday and thinking about the potential of another. We remained very cautious about it all as I think both of us expected that we could likely miscarry. Every time I went to the bathroom or felt a twinge in my stomach I was dreading the worst but gradually the days went by and everything seemed ok. We had an early scan at 7 weeks and until we saw that tiny blob with a flickering heartbeat we didn’t quite believe it was true, but there it was. Alfie came to the scan with us and it was quite a feeling seeing him watch the screen knowing how many terrifying scans we went to with us watching him wriggling about on the screen. We let ourselves get a little excited after that scan, but of course, I was then anxious ahead of the next one. I wish I could have a scan every day!
It’s so hard to trust your body after so many negative experiences but I keep looking to Alfie as a reminder that my body has done it once, so it should be able to do it again. We had to wait two weeks until the next scan which went very slowly, but thank goodness we saw something more than a blob. This time there was a head and teeny tiny arms and legs wriggling around and I suddenly started to think, ok maybe this one is going to stick after all? Should we begin to get excited? It was too late, in that moment I officially let myself get fully invested in this pregnancy, which is a scary feeling. I have been feeling really sick over the past few weeks and as much as it isn’t nice, it is somewhat of a comfort to me to have symptoms like that. I never had that with Alfie as the medication I was on actually made me feel great. Experiencing nausea, headaches and sickness this time is all new to me.
Recording and teaching my workouts has been a little tricky some weeks but I have been learning to make the most of the days when I feel great and so far I am keeping up, but I am really listening to my body on the days when I feel terrible. I’ve been exercising much less than usual and getting early nights to make sure I have had enough sleep to deal with a toddler all day. Obviously Alfie has no idea, but some days I think he has a sixth sense as he has been really affectionate with me over the last few weeks. He comes over to give me kisses and cuddles which I obviously love, so I wonder whether babies actually do know something is going on?
Today we had our 12 week scan. I have been feeling sick to my stomach all week and the days seem to have gone by so slowly. I had one day when I didn’t feel sick at all, in fact, I felt pretty great and that filled me with fear. Had my symptoms gone? Is the pregnancy over? My mind went into overdrive, only for the sickness to come back the next day. I couldn’t sleep last night with worry. I turned up to the hospital with a full bladder as requested. The more they made us wait, the more I was getting worried it was too full. They called my name and in we went. We had such a lovely sonographer who knew about my miscarriage history so got on with it straight away, and the second she put that cold jelly on my tummy, up popped a very wriggly baby on the screen. I felt the biggest weight was lifted off my chest. The baby was doing somersaults to say hello to us and I just haven’t stopped smiling ever since.
I feel incredibly lucky to be doing this again, it feels different in all sorts of ways the second time round but I am certainly not taking it for granted. I know some of you reading this will not have reached your happy ending yet and I send my biggest hugs out to you. I know how that feels, and it can be absolutely heartbreaking to see another pregnancy announcement. I’m so sorry that you are going through that right now. I would love for you to be able to use this story as a bit of hope in remembering that sometimes it does end up working out, even after all the heartache and loss. Be kind to yourselves and your body as it works it all out. I look forward to taking you on this rollercoaster with me for a second time … the ups and downs and all that comes in between. Bring on trimester two!