It Will Be Ok – a Letter To Myself

Entering into my 3rd trimester exactly a year after finding out we had suffered a missed miscarriage has had me thinking all day. Reading back over those days in my diary are just heart breaking, and I remember so clearly the deep sadness I felt. All I really wanted was someone to tell me when we would get our chance. Exactly when. It was the unknown and the helplessness of the situation that really kept me feeling so low. I felt like a total failure, even though I knew deep down that it wasn’t my fault and there is nothing I could have done differently I just couldn’t shake the feelings of letting people down. The was OUR dream, and it was MY body that wasn’t playing ball.

A year on, a very eventful year on, I wish I could hug that girl so tightly and tell her that it will be ok, promise her that and make her truly believe it. That promise of course is impossible to make to anyone but I would have said this.

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I know it feels as if your world has stopped still, everyone else rushing past you getting on with their lives whilst you are just stood there watching. It is utter torture knowing that your precious and so loved baby is no longer living in you but seems unwilling to come out, you’re wondering why it all went wrong and if you could have done anything to save them. I know you feel as though you have been robbed and seem to see pregnant women absolutely everywhere you go, it feels so unfair. The next few weeks will be really hard, a low you’ve never experienced before and even though you will start working again and telling family and friends that you are doing well, you will feel emotionally exhausted and not really sure how you are doing. Master of the brave face – it is just easier and somehow you believe that eventually the smile will become real again. It will. Over the coming weeks you will have days where you think of other things, and they will become more and more frequent. Don’t feel guilty about this, it doesn’t mean that you are forgetting about your baby it just means that you’re dealing with what has happened and moving forward into a more positive headspace, but it does take time. Doing things you love again will start to bring normality back to your life and you’ll be so grateful for that. You’ll start feeling like you again and the smiles and laughter will return but don’t be surprised if there are still days where the tears flow. Try not to bottle things up, talking about what has happened and how you feel will really help you, even just to a few people, as you will soon realise that you are far from alone and you may help them to know the same.

Unfortunately you and George will experience more loss, but you will be ok. You will feel ready to try again shortly after, well you’ll think you feel ready but can never be sure. It won’t come without it’s worries and anxieties, unfortunately the innocence of pregnancy has gone forever and you are only too aware of all the “what ifs” now and your guard will go up to protect yourself. That is ok.

Seeing those two lines come up again, for the 5th time on a pregnancy test will fill you with excitement but also dread as you so fear getting hurt again, but you are strong enough to deal with whatever comes your way, I promise you. You have built your support network around you now and they are there to help you. Doctors, friends, family and your ever supportive husband are all there by your side, you just have to let them be. Don’t try to be too strong, let them in.

After what feels like an eternity with days going so slowly, you will start getting passed milestones you only ever dreamed of. Seeing a heart beat, and then seeing it again two weeks later, then seeing a flickering blob turn into something resembling more like a foetus … it is utterly incredible and will leave you speechless but there will be that lingering voice in your head telling you not to get excited just in case. Just in case the dream all comes crashing down again. But this time it won’t, and before long you will start growing the teeny bump that you wish for and it will get bigger and bigger and you will start to feel tiny little pops that turn out to be your baby kicking you! Tears of joy will come, and slowly but surely the feelings of anxiety will lessen, they won’t ever go completely but they will lessen.

It will take you a while to accept that this pregnancy is sticking around, but once you do it feels wonderful and your friends and family will get excited with you. Each milestone will feel like it needs to be celebrated, no matter how small because you will feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Perhaps it is because you experienced such loss, or perhaps you would have always felt lucky but either way you will be counting down the days until you can bring your baby into this world.

So please don’t stop believing. Please don’t give up hope. I know you feel sad now, but one way or another you will get to make your dream a reality, one day it will be your turn and it will make you realise how incredible your body is and that it didn’t let you down at all, it was just figuring it all out and this was the baby that was always meant to be yours. x x x

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